"Every man has his secret sorrow which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad."
tonight i was sitting in the office speaking with "mamma bear g" and we were talking about how people have hurt my feelings lately and how i don't tell them because i don't like confrontation and i would honestly rather take a week (or two) to get over something, while harboring it inside, rather than upset the person who has hurt me. silly really. as we continued i told her how i have been called "needy" countless times lately by a close friend of mine and then.... i burst into tears... totally uncontrollable. totally unexpected. i hate that. i get so embarrassed when i cry. especially because it is so unstoppable like it was tonight.
being "needy" is actually just me being lonely. in my defense. i have a right to be. i am devastated and at times i feel like i have no one in the world and so sure, ill follow my friend around when she is home, or ask to spend extra time with her on the rare occasion that i do see her. we are on completely different schedules and i honestly see her for fifteen minutes here and there, once or twice a week, or three times if i am lucky. so when we do have the same afternoon free i tend to get "needy".
anywho. the point of this is not to guilt her into an apology or to tell her i am mad. because i am not anymore. im still a little hurt (as demonstrated by the unexplained outburst). but ill get over it. i am just writing this to warn her and everyone else that encounters me for the next few months. I am sad. devestated. lonely. sensitive. hurt. depressed. overwhelmed. confused. and a little aloof at times. i just need a friend. someone who doesn't mind hearing the same story over again because either i can't remember i told you... or i just want to talk about it again so i can get it off my chest and out of my head.
empathy would be great!!! and i have that every so often when talking to friends like tonight with "mamma bear g". i can feel her hurt for me. and she always listens so intently and then finishes up with encouraging words like "i am so proud of you and where you are tonight" or "you are doing so great". that is what i need during this difficult time.
a shoulder to cry on. an ear to listen. lips filled with encouraging words. and arms to hug me when its all over. i need someone who wants to be around me.
the feeling of being "wanted" and "needed" is very important right now as i feel discarded by jeremy and my self-image plummets, replaced by insecurities. if you know of such person please send her my way... and i specify "her" to prevent any future regrets from occurring.
warning: i randomly burst into tears unexpectedly, and once i get started it is impossible to stop until i release everything that has been bottled up waiting to be released...
1 comment:
Sweet girl I understand your pain. Codependency is the modern term for idolatry. We have a jealous creator who loves us to much to allow us to have our needs met by any other than the one who can. He is the friend you are searching for, the one you are describing. This place of mourning is where he has brought you, and I for that matter, so that we can find truth and comfort in Him. I would love to walk through this trial with you as your sister. I would love to pray with you, for you, before our GOd who longs for us to live life in its abundancy. Be encouraged gorgeous girl that there is a healer who knows us from the womb and all the days until our death and he is the author and finisher of our faith...faithful to finish the work he has started in YOU!!! CALL ME.
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