in His hands

"Come on, oh my star is fading

and i see no chance of release

and i know i'm dead on the surface

but i am screaming underneath." 

~Coldplay

i sat for a few minutes and then i silently began to  pray...

 "Lord, please, please, please.

 give me the right words to speak,

 the courage to let go and gain closure, 

lead me.

 tell me what you want to come of this. 

show me, tell me, direct me. 

and please, 

protect me."

i took one more deep breath before getting out of the car after i parked next to his truck. 

my heart was beating so fast i could hardly catch my breath.

i climbed out of the car and the minute i saw him and our eyes met, everything was calm. my mind went blank and everything disappeared. all i could do was smile. 

* * *

we ordered "our usual favorite" from Sauce and giggled when we both said "lets just get the regular". we choose to sit on the patio because, although it was hot and windy outside, it was not as crowded so we could talk. during dinner we talked about our lives the past 4 months, family and friends. we talked about his upcoming move to Idaho and my potential move to CO in december. 

* * *

then, as if i had planned it, he apologized, through tear-glazed eyes. he said all the things i wanted to hear, and then some. he apologized for not calling me on my gradation and he apologized for hurting me. he told me he was sorry for stealing from me. when i asked what he stole, he replied "your spirit". which is true. for a while there i lost myself. the past four months i have been missing a part of me. 

* * * 

im overwhelmed with emotions. but all good ones!! i miss his hands. i miss his face. i miss the way he makes me laugh. i miss who i am... or who i was, when i was happy. i miss the safe feeling from his hug. i miss the way he made me feel like i was home. 

* * * 

why did i meet him you ask? the only answer is that i needed this to heal. i needed to hear him say the words i always imagined him saying. i needed to see his face and i needed to see where he stood. knowing he is sad doesn't make me feel better. it just reassured me that im not the only one suffering. it felt nice to spend time with my friend, my best friend.

* * *

now what? where is our relationship headed now? that is completely in God's hands. wherever He decides i should be. however he wants me to live my life, i am willing to accept it with open and appreciative arms.