PROTECTiVE WALLS

"The walls we build around us to keep out sadness, also keep out joy."

i tried posting this last week and it wouldn't let me... here is my second attempt. 

i have been working 7 days a week... averaging about 74 hours a week and taking 2 summer school classes... and a partriage in a pear tree. did i mention i am getting about 4 hours of sleep a night on average? how i manage to stay awake and focused throughout my busy day is baffling.

so recent updates... i spoke with jeremy, and our conversation was short. to the point. and o so hurtful. bad idea really. remind me of our conversation next time i think i miss him. (which i do this very moment that i am typing this sentence).

it started off cordial. i asked him how his week was going... asked about his family and nephew. and then talked about my busy schedule, which ceased to impress him. and then there was this long awkward pause................

me: are you sad

j: what do i have to be sad about?

me: umm... me i guess...?

j: why would i be sad about that?

me: because of the way things happened... because (sigh) we are apart.

j: the only thing that this time apart has done, is make me feel, for certain, that i know we weren't right for each other and i am honestly just glad i found that out before we got married.

me: oh (desperately wanting to reply 'well im glad i found out you were a pathological liar and cheater before we got married too' but i didn't)

j: well i have to get going

me: ah, yeah me too (still stunned)

j: bye

me: k. bye... talk to you... er... umm... i mean... have a good week... bye

wow. i feel pathetic honestly. he is not worth this pain. not worth it. having my busy schedule was supposed to be a positive distraction from everything.

positive meaning, better than what i was doing before. but in actuality, this new busy schedule of mine has been yet another way to divert myself from the pain... not help me work through it.

maybe its time i start taking the advice of friends...

im so tired of being sad and thinking about him all the time... hiding it from everyone close to me. i feel like if i let them know the truth (that im sad and not okay and not over him, then i will appear weak.)

i spend the majority of my day sitting in a cubicle, staring at the half finished game of solitaire on my computer screen, thinking about jeremy. i sit there and replay every minute of the last three months of our engagement (the time i now know he was secretly cheating on me.) i think of all our fights, the mean things he said, the way he touched me. or didn't. i think about our short phone conversations and our rare visits.

i evaluate the signs constantly. the ones i should have recognized... like the time he drove home at 2 in the morning from Ajo to tell me he was listening to a song by Linkin' Park. how it made him sad thinking about a break up and how he never wanted to loose me, no matter what. (at the time i thought it was a sweet gesture, he never wanted to break up, duh. we were engaged. no breakup in the horizon. but i didn't know at the time, that was the first night he had slept with her...) i think about Christmas, and New Years, and the Super bowl at his parents house (how we argued because he just wanted to sit on the couch and didn't even want to sit by me), and i think about Valentines day. he was home later than planned, but i patiently accepted it... thinking it was work that kept him later... not her. i think about the wonderful time i had at the Mayday Parade concert with my 13 year old brother on Tuesday Feb 19th (a day i unfortuatley will never forget), just hours before jeremy called me from Ajo to confess over the phone. 

i think about the signs. the signs i saw and felt in my powerful female intuition when i would visit him in Ajo and that girl would be around. i knew. in my heart, i knew. i just never believed it could be possible, not from him. not jeremy.

i think about what would happen and where i would be today if he had never told me. where would i be living? where would i be working? would i be just as miserable in an unhealthy relationship, as i am now with out him? could we have made it work?

ugh. then i start to pick myself apart and wonder what i could have changed about myself. or what i could have done differently to have prevented this all from happening. jeremy used to beg me to visit him before the affair began. he was lonely and missed me. but i ignored that. ignored his needs. Ajo was 2 hours away and dangerous and my mom didn't feel safe with me driving across the border alone. if i only would have... then

i think about the days after he told me and the pain and the way his stories continued to change and get progressively worse. i think about the night the WHOLE truth came out... and what followed after. and how it could have ended differntly. i think back to that phone conversation we had two weeks ago.

i wish i wasn't blessed with such a good memory.

i wish i could have that little tool from Men in Black where they flash it at your eyes or something so you don't remember anything that happened. i wish. i wish. i wish.

enough wishing... enough thinking... enough crying... enough already. when will it be enough?