"Count your smiles instead of your tears; Count your courage instead of your fears."
Last night was the first time in weeks that I have cried. i mean REALLY cried. and boy did it feel good. while at Z-tejas with the bestie, her bf (named jeremy, but we'll call him jer to save from confusing you all) met up with us. after two of their famous margs, i confessed that i have plans to see jeremy (my ex) for dinner wednesday night. baffled, they both stared at me in confusion.
j: but why?
me: I just feel like i need to.
jer: need to? why?
me: i just need closure. things ended so abruptly, i never got my chance at closure
bestie: yea i understand that, she needs closure to move on (speaking to jer)
me: i just think it would be good
bestie: okay, as long as you are sure its not going to stir up any emotions, i don't want you to get hurt again.
me: yea i guess, but i think that would be good. i need to stir up the emotions i have been hiding if i am ever going to get over this.
jer: i still don't understand what kind of closure you are looking for.
me: i just need to know that he is really done with me. and why.
jer: bri, he had sex with someone else, what else do you need?
ouch. as harsh as those were, piercing through my heart, it was exactly what i needed to hear. i know in my mind that jeremy and i are done, i know he cheated on me, and i know i deserve better and i should move on. but i just wish someone would tell that to my heart.
jer did last night. his words were what i needed to hear to finally start accepting what happened. i think i have been in complete shock these past four months. and last night was the first time i actually started to believe it happened. i didn't dream it up. it really happened. jeremy cheated on me. it really happened. jeremy had sex with someone else. it really happened and its time i work towards accepting that.
3 comments:
Beautiful picture. You are a gorgeous girl.
Remember one thing. The reason Jeremy hurt you is because he is broken. But he didn't break you.
I amen to Melody's comment. I just want to say it took me about 4 years and a lot of mess to get closure on my first love. The thing is nothing he could say or do would ease the pain in your heart. That sad simple truth.. it just takes time. Lots and lots of time. I got married to try to end my heart ache and let me tell you it only created a new bigger worse mess. Turn to Jesus, he knows just how to hold you.
I also had a long term heart breaker. It took time and again...you are not to be broken. Stand tall.
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