COMFORT iN THE SiLENCE

"Solitude is such a potential thing. We hear voices in solitude, we never hear in the hurry and turmoil of life; we receive counsels and comforts, we get under no other condition." 

last night i was laying in bed, my mind racing with thoughts of jeremy. i felt so sad and lonely. scared and worried. 

he moves to Idaho this weekend, and my heart aches at the thought of him leaving my life forever. i know what he did was wrong and people may think im crazy... but i still love him. i think part of me always will. he sinned and then he ended things. i had no say in the way things were handled. he just walked away and didn't turn back. 

i wasn't ready to give up, i wasn't done loving him. i still wanted to fight for our relationship. and now he is leaving and it will finally be over. our relationship. our friendship. our past. it has to be behind me now. and im not sure im ready to accept that completely just yet.

 some nights i lay in bed and just pray for comfort.

 i know God is supposed to be who i turn to, not men. i'm told He is a "selfish God" who wants to be the center of my life. the one i think about all the time. the one who holds me when in lonely. the one who brings me happiness. and the one who fulfills me completely. and i am slowly starting to accept that. baby steps folks. i hear these words and believe them to be true, its just a matter of trusting that it will happen for me. and soon before my impatience runs out of hope. 

a matter of truly trusting that God can comfort me even though i can't physically feel him. a matter of truly trusting that God is always around and i am never alone. a matter of truly trusting that things will get easier. a matter of truly trusting that i will be completely fulfilled if i let Him in. a matter of truly trusting that with Him i will have no fears in life. a matter of truly trusting. a matter of letting go of all that i still hold on to. a matter of letting Him take over. a matter of truly trusting that i am patient. a matter of truly trusting and understanding Him. 

so last night, as i was laying in bed --my mind racing with thoughts of jeremy-- i asked for comfort. and in the silence, i felt Him holding me, supporting me. i heard Him whisper in my ear that everything would be okay.